How To: wear/return

Sadly, for my bank balance at least, I've always been a believer in never wearing the same thing twice if I can help it, and if I must, absolutely never in the same crowd. (But really, which crowds aren't the same?) Perhaps it’s a slight narcissism that leads me to believe that someone might actually notice if I did, and thanks to my mother who always said, 'for Christ sake, the world doesn't revolve around Carli', I can understand that.

But at the very slim chance that mother is wrong, and the world is, in fact, truly orbiting around me at all times, a girl's got to be prepared.

The wear/return. An age old practice that has been enabling young women, like myself, to temporarily expand on their frock repertoire every time the weekend rolls around. I've been exercising this method for a few months now, and have developed some tips, or guidelines, if you will, that make the scam that much easier to pull off (or put on --without ruining, that is).

Tag Placement: Don't be stupid. You're not going to get the tag back on when you're done with the garment. That's why it's imperative that the tag is located inside the garment, or in a place (the armpit on a sleeveless item, the nape of the neck, etc.) where you can tuck it in, and it will stay put without straining the tag or the material.

No Whites: I don't care if you've gone your whole life without spilling a drink or wiping out in the bathroom. Guaranteed that if you wear white, you will wreck it. There is always a first time for everything. White is never necessary. Unless it's your wedding day. But pal, if you're too bust to buy your own wedding gown, I suggest you ditch this guy, and find yourself a nice Jewish doctor.

Don't Be Hasty: Just because you are planning to give it back when you're done with it doesn't mean you don't need to give much thought to your selection. Sure, it's a one time wear, so why does it matter that you've got nothing in your closet to go with it. Wrong! Only pick things that you could potentially imagine permanently incorporating into your wardrobe. If something does happen, and your slovenly best decides to ash on your sleeve because she's too busy trying to get the attention of a certain male smoker than actually smoking herself, you're stuck with the item whether you like it, love it, or not. Accidents do happen. (see: Sean Preston and Jayden James)

Au Du Naturale: No perfume. I've been hassled during a return because my dress smelled like "patchouli". Not only did I have to fight to get them to take it back, I was thoroughly offended that he thought it was patchouli. I mean, really.

Hang it Up: When you teeter in on your heels at three in the morning you're usually thinking of one of two things; a) I wonder if this pizza would be ok cooked in the microwave, or b) how many advils is too many advils. Before you inhale your second dinner, or O.D. on ibuprofen, take the damn thing off and hang it up. Do not toss it in a heap on your floor. Wrinkles are conspicuous.

Wear/Return not Wear/Exchange: After your first time bringing baby home, wearing baby once, and taking baby back, people tend to get cocky. The worst thing you can do is go back to the store with Friday's dress in hand and start looking for Saturday's number immediately. Do not exchange one for the other. It's a nasty habit, and eventually you'll end up with a big, long receipt showing multiple exchanges, separated only by days. Just because they work in retail doesn't mean they're (necessarily) brain-dead. They do know the days of the week. They will catch on.

Borrowers Can't Be Choosers: If you think you're about to adorn a Philip Lim 3-point-anything, you're aiming too high. Stick to the stores that everyone knows you frequent, although you may hesitate to admit. Preferably stores with hundreds of discourteous employees, and stock that turns over more times in a week than you do in your sleep. Lets be honest, this is small-time con, not Conrad Black.

Disclaimer: Naturally, some might look at this and think I'm encouraging theft. I'm not. I'm advocating for borrowing, and budget conservation. Thank you.