memorandum: 04/02/2008

MEMO: to the girl walking down Shuter Street & Victoria at 1:45 p.m on Monday, April 1^st
RE: It's not fucking summer yet

Dear Freezing Cold Idiot Girl,

Returning from a morning jaunt with the ladies during my day-off from classes, I turned down Shuter street to head home and nurse my freshly acquired aesthetic-wounds. To my dismay, after what was starting out to be a glorious day, I was met by you; my biggest pet peeve, my personal bete noire.

Why is it that on the first day that the temperature cracks +5, you feel it appropriate to wear sandals, shorts, skirts or bare legs of any kind?

It's not. I know you're cold. You know you're cold. But for some strange reason, and maybe it's because that hideous pouf you're sporting (you know the one, don't lie) is clipped too tightly, you don't seem to think that I know that you know that you're obviously very, very cold. So cold that your nips are pitching tents inside that air-bra of yours.

Please, don't be ridiculous. It's April. This is Toronto. Unclip your "side-bangs" (which by the way aren't bangs at all, they're just pieces of hair that you've asked to have cut at some silly mid-length because you feel that cutting real bangs might be too bold of a decision, and we all know that hair doesn't grow back, UGG boots are purely for warmth, and your nose job was a medical-must since you have a "deviated septum" from your Jew-school basketball career back in grade 7) and put on a jacket. A light jacket. Even a sweater will do.

What makes you better than me? Why should I still be wrapping scarves and wearing socks, while you're out sauntering through the city streets in next-to-nothing, catching cold and looking stupid?

Since you obviously do not know which items are not acceptable to wear until it's at least warm enough to drink frappuccinos outside comfortably, or double up on your antiperspirant before walking to work, here they are, you asshole:

1. Shorts - I don't care if you're "walking home from the gym". Gyms have locker rooms. Put on some fucking pants
2. Skirts - Pantyhose and tights are not only nice looking, but functional
3. Sandals - See those big wet spots on the pavement? Those are puddles from melting snow. Until those are gone, put your "havaianas" back in the closet
4. Capri-length Spandex - Just don't ever do that

I really hope this helps, for your sake and mine. I'm sure in some other life, some other world, another wardrobe, you and I could have maybe been friends.

Sincerely,
Carli

p.s. I took a picture of you on my phone, and I think you saw me do it. Lucky for you, I hate grainy cell phone pictures and wouldn't taint my blog with such smut.