you're eating too much

One of America's leading fork manufacturers announced today that in order to keep up with the teeming demand ("OM NOM NOM NOM!") they have elected to add an additional prong to their flatware.

Yes, according to a company spokesperson, "a four-tined fork is just not enough," when considering the how much American's eat, and how fast they wanna eat it.

In one breath, the honourable Dr. Oz will plead with Americans to eat less. He'll speak quickly, and move his arms wildly in front of his half-filled studio audience, telling the U.S. that their blue blood now runs thick with glucose, finishing the show with his traditional sign off, "you're all going to die", while Oprah eats custard in the control room and signs his paycheck.

And then, KitchenMaster - a global industry bigwig - goes and does something like this? Preposterous! If they're not careful, some blob who heralds Gregory Rhymes as a sort of colossal hero (referring to his mass, not his accomplishments) might come knocking on their door with multi-million dollar lawsuit.

All that said, a five prong fork would be pretty effing cool.